Updated: Mar 9
Why is it that just as things are starting to go well in a particular area of our lives like romance, finances, health or career something happens and it all goes wrong? It’s normally the one area we struggle with whilst other areas are perfectly fine. How do we prevent this from happening and how do we keep things moving in the direction we want, so that we no longer have to define it as our ‘problem area’?
The solution may lie in the fact that this ‘problem area’ almost always plays out the same way each time and deep down we just knew it would go wrong at some point. The good news is this repetition of fate and feeling of doom is not caused by something out of our control or something outside of us. They are simply deep rooted beliefs we have about these areas, some of which we may not even be aware of.
I say ‘simply’, but when these deep rooted beliefs get stirred up in certain situations, until they reach the surface and appear as full blown fears they can cause us to push away what we really want - sometimes quite dramatically.
Below are some common examples of self-sabotage that you may recognise in yourself or in others. As this is such a big topic, I’ve divided it into two posts so my next post will look at the tools and processes you can use to try to turn the ‘problem area’ of your life into the ‘successful area’ of your life.
EXAMPLES OF SELF-SABOTAGE
Career Self Sabotage
Frequently moving from job to job when you come across something you don’t like.
Changing this behaviour will allow you to see things through when they get difficult so you stay long enough to see things turn around. Even if things improve and you still decide to move on, it will be because you are running to something you want instead of running away from something you don't want.
Underselling yourself either before you start a job or during, like at appraisal time, then being unhappy with the outcome or how you are treated compared to your colleagues.
This is linked to low self-worth. If you don’t value yourself you can’t expect others to. Turning this limiting belief around will result in you confidently going for your ideal job, negotiating better terms and voicing your achievements with ease at appraisal meetings.
Constantly moaning and complaining about your job.
This lack of appreciation for your job as it is ‘now’, could result in it being taken away unexpectedly through redundancy. Or it may become an increasingly awful experience providing more things for you to complain about.
When you look for things to appreciate about your current job and change the limiting belief that ‘you do not control your reality’ to a belief which acknowledges that ‘you are in control of your reality’, this will result in you no longer blaming others as you take responsibility for your own happiness. This will either lead to a quick, positive transformation of your current job or a better opportunity will present itself.
Being the unfortunate victim of redundancy several times in a row.
If you go into the next job with the mind-set that it will happen again…it will happen again. The fear of rejection, low self-worth and the belief that you are ‘unlucky’ will be dominant here. Changing these beliefs will lead to job stability and implant a knowing within you that, no matter what happens, you'll always be ok.
You have great business ideas, feel good about them but then you allow your doubts and fears to creep in and stop you from exploring those ideas further. Or you excitedly talk to the wrong people about your ideas only to find yourself taking on their fears!
Fear of failure is the obvious big one here but so is fear of success (yes, it’s a thing). Most people don’t want to stand out perhaps because they feel people may judge them, be jealous of them or put too much faith in them only to watch them fail. This can sometimes be linked to childhood where they may have been picked-on for being brainy or standing out from the rest of the class in some way.
Changing these limiting beliefs allows you to keep nurturing your ideas, remembering the good feelings you felt when the idea was first downloaded to you. This will lead to more ideas, helpful information and see experts showing up to keep your ideas alive and reveal the next steps to you incrementally.
Fearing that if your business is too successful, you’ll be inundated with requests for your services and you won’t be able to cope with demand.
Changing this limiting belief will show you that you can control the services you provide and set the times you provide them so they fit in with you. You’ll realise that you can set stock limits and setup waiting lists or you can take on extra staff to cope with demand if that’s applicable to your business model.
You have had several unsuccessful businesses in the past, despite doing everything necessary to make each business successful.
There may be limiting beliefs about money and how you see prosperous people that are sabotaging you.
Limiting beliefs and behaviours learnt about money from our parents and others whilst we were growing up may need to be changed so your next business venture is successful.
Relationship Self Sabotage
Your relationships don’t last or you are not treated as you would like to be
If you have a fear of rejection or abandonment because of past relationship experiences or other relationships you’ve observed including your parents, close family and friends, then as soon as your new relationship has started your fears will start brewing. You’ll start worrying that the relationship is going to end because it’s too good to be true, you’ll tolerate awful behaviours to avoid it ending or act in-authentically so they’ll continue liking you.
If you have low self-worth, you’ll think the person is too good for you and believe that it’s only a matter of time before they come to their senses and end it for someone genuinely amazing. You’ll feel insecure when they make contact with someone of the opposite sex and think the worst every time you don’t hear from them.
If these beliefs could be replaced with beliefs of security, worthiness, positive expectation and a knowing that things always work out for you, your relationships will be healthier, free of dependency, easier and longer lasting. If it does come to an end you won’t be so devastated because you’ve already filled the void within you with love of self and a belief that you are worthy of the best.
If there’s a fear of commitment you could find yourself doing something extreme to push your partner away like having an affair or you could reject them for the slightest reason.
This may be because your parents are divorced or you know of other couples whose marriages ended in divorce and it’s a pain you’ve decided you never want to put yourself through.
Another cause of this fear could be because you’ve never been exposed to real life examples of happy love relationships, so your relationships may never go past the romantic first stage. You lose interest in the ‘hard work’ required to sustain a real relationship as you would rather be on your own until the next romantic flutter comes along.
Changing these limiting beliefs about love relationships will allow you to experience the deeper growth possibilities of a real relationship which can still include romance. It will also teach you how to deal with conflict in a mature way and show you how to love unconditionally.
Fear of being alone is a manifestation of lack of self love.
You feel there is a void within you that can only be filled or completed by the attention or love of another. You envy or feel saddened at the sight of other couples and may find yourself enduring awful relationships because you’d rather be with someone than no-one. If single you defer certain activities that will enrich your life like going on holiday until you’re in a relationship.
Replacing this fear with self-love, self-appreciation and worthiness will automatically fill that void. Love is always present within you and is always shining on you from Source / God / the Universe. You will also develop a strong desire to live fully ‘right now’ and not deny yourself the enjoyment of life because you’re waiting for your ‘true love’ to arrive and sweep you away. In fact, they are more likely to show up when you’re just enjoying life and having fun with things as they are!
Health – Self Sabotage
You deeply believe that what your parents are suffering from will also befall you so you feel predestined to have certain illnesses and health conditions because it ‘runs in the family’.
Bruce Lipton, Author of 'Biology of Belief' believes that that only approximately 5% of diseases are inheritable and, as the rest are susceptible to the placebo effect, your beliefs can affect whether you attract the disease or not.
Someone may not respond well to healing techniques including medicines because subconsciously they don’t want to lose the attention being received from loved ones.
Replacing this belief with beliefs that enhance self-love, inner-power and independence will remove the dependency on the attention of others in order to feel validated and loved.
You don’t believe you can lose weight as you’ve tried repeated diets and failed to keep the weight off.
Weight issues may be caused by a deep rooted belief of low self-worth, lack of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance. Once these beliefs change, (and there could be many layers to this one), the body naturally becomes more balanced and it becomes easier to lose weight and maintain that weight.
In next month’s blog post I’ll look at how we can permanently change these limiting beliefs so we can be happy and fulfilled in all areas of our lives.
In the meantime, check out Bruce Lipton, former Cell Biologist and Author of 'Biology of Belief', talking about how our subconscious beliefs create habitual behavours that can dominate our lives.
Is a Transformational Life a Coach, Meditation Teacher and Reiki Master/Teacher aiming to open your mind to new possibilities, whilst fully supporting you and gently guiding you towards your goals and personal shifts.
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BRUCE LIPTON - The Conscious and theSubconscious Mind